Part 2: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Virtues of Being a Dick
Part 2: Jerry Toraernos vs. The Virtues of Being a DickThe crowd has spoken.
You’ve been voted off the island.
Hotdogs have been lauded as the best way to chow down.
ALL PRAISE THE HOTDOG AND ITS WONDERFUL MEATINESS
Icy Ghost has been chosen as the window color.
Danny Phantom is proud of you.
Jerry and Mom were amusing suggestions, so I went with them. On another note, Jerry seems to be the kind of guy that consumes the souls of the living on a typical Friday night.
So essentially, your entire existence.
Not unlike this guy.
Amount of references I don’t understand so far: 2
Obama definitely proves that we are/are not psychic. It’s kind of ambiguous.
It’s okay, the NSA already knows.
Anyways, let’s get started.
Too far to turn back?
Of course. Who do you take me for?
Radiation's Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme
In a galaxy, far, far away…
When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow.
...Or a palette swapped version of Twoson.
This takes place after Earthbound, in case you didn't get the context.
A few more blocks of scenery…
The land of second-place winners and first-place losers. It's unfortunate that those Onett jerks got first pick when it came to town names.
Isn’t Onett basically three houses and a creepy old shack on a hill? Is it even a town?
Cut to black...
When the screen pans back in, we’re introduced to a hyperactive tap-dancing man-child who’s hopped up on too much sugar. Say hi to Jerry.
Apparently his left shoulder is asleep. Poor guy’s gonna have pins and needles in a second.
Jerry says hi back.
: “Wonderful. How am I supposed to get all these blood stains out of my clothes now...? Seriously man, It’s gonna take a week, and it’ll be all your fault.”Now you won’t have to, with new and improved Oxyclean stain remover!
The screen is supposed to shake, but I couldn’t capture it very well.
Achieve similar effect by furiously shaking your monitor side to side.
: “Cops are here, huh…? Guess I shouldn’t have spent so much time ripping out that guy’s heart.”: <Turns toward Dying Man.>: “You’re still paying for my laundry, though.”
: *Gurgle*After exiting the room…
Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Synchronicity
Brandish 2 Version
It's nice how Radiation recomposed Synchronicity for this game.
Amount of references I don’t understand so far: 3
: “Wake up! B-Bounty hunter...Get up off the floor, idiot! Whatever you’re dreaming about...It probably isn’t even real...Just get up!”: “I am up. And I’m pretty sure the cops coming after me are real too.”: “Really, I have no idea what you’re doing...This isn’t where you’re...Oh, jeez, Jerry! This isn’t a joke...wake up or I’ll call the cops!”
Pictured: Our hero in a nutshell.
Party hard.
: “A bit too late for that one, Mysterious Talkative Voice. The cops are already after m-”
The screen fades to white…
*CAUCASIAN*, you racist honky.
Earthbound OST - Chaos Theater
We somehow arrive from a murder scene to a cheap theater on the corner of Main Avenue Street. It looks like our hero was sleeping off a drunken stupor.
In the middle of a theater. Dude’s as good a role model-hero as Holden Caulfield.
It goes to say that Jerry isn’t a good influence on children.
Moral of the story: Don’t let your children near Jerry.
: “With all that armor, you weigh...jeez! That being said, uh, the manager wants a word with you. He’s over in that room to the left, which, er...It’s the one behind me, just go straight. Sorry… just be more careful, Jerry!...and try not to get in trouble with the boss!“I KNEW I should have stayed home today!”
: “Look, I wasn’t trying to set the building on fire...or chase off the customers with that katana...or get drunk and stand on the stage, singing “Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows”...I mean no kids were watching, right? That’s all that really matters...and if they WERE, I’ll just, y’know, pay them off. Or threaten them. Ya dig?”
: “... you might want to wipe your feet, too.”Apparently, the manager is behind the doors on the left. Groovy.
Hah, I get it. Because of the phrase “Exit, stage left”. Hahah...
Oh no. No. No no no no no no. Not this...this…
We ain’t doin’ any work for you this time, bub!
: “No, no, I’m not here to get you in trouble…”: “...Well, okay. Maybe a little bit of trouble.”: "...": “You’re a pretty popular guy, what’s-your-face.”
: “People have been flocking to my show for a chance to see you…I don’t know where you came from, and it really doesn’t matter!”“We come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow...”
: “What can I say? It’s the shadowy eyes and my manly physique.”: “Can I finish?”Earthbound OST - Hidden Track
: “The people are terrified. They need a hero. A girl’s parents...they were found dead in their own home...parts of them, anyway.”This is how the crazy drug-fueled train starts chugging. You guys can blame Pirkle for the mind screw that’s going to ensue later.
Or blame that “gary jane” them crazy teenagers are injectin’...
: “The girl said she saw some horrible creature break the window and lurch inside...She saw it slowly stagger into her parent’s room. She sat there, petrified, silent, fearful for her very own life. Through her door, she saw the monster grab her parents, tear them apart, shove their innards down its throat and scream hungrily, its mouth drenched with blood. Crime scene reports have returned nothing conclusive…”Rated E for Everyone
Hear, hear.
For your information, Foggyland is the Earthbound equivalent of England. Eagleland, the country in which Twoson is located in, is basically America.
So Foggyland is full of tea, crumpets, and bad teeth. How much is a flight there?
: “They’ve deducted that the creature came from Winters-”: “I think you meant ‘deduced’ th-”: “Silence!”: “The town’s reinforced their manhole covers, put on a curfew…”Earthbound OST - Chaos Theater
: “...For the most part, life’s getting back to normal.”“An unidentified, ravenous monster devoured two people faster than Hannibal Lecter on crack and we don’t know where it is, nor even WHAT it is. But everything’s normal.”
: “Nobody want to worry about getting eaten alive. Catch my drift? But boy, was it shocking!”: ”Yeah, I’m sure…”: “...Where’d that monster come from? Are there more of them?”Considering that they pop up as an encounter later on in the game, I’d say that there are an infinite amount of them.
Hey, hey, spoilers! Golly gee, man…
Meh.
: “Look, kid, you look like hero, you smell like hero...Everyone can just tell that sort of thing. Go find where that monster came from and kill it. That’s not a request, it’s a demand. Ignore it if you want, but the blood of innocents will be on your hands. Here’s the key, hyuk, hyuk!”: “Hold it. What’s in it for me?”: “I have connections in the police department. One word from me, and your record will be wiped clear.”: “...What if I don’t do it?”: “I call the police department, and they arrest you for arson, assault, public degradation, drunk driving, etc.”Public degradation is when you fuck a manhole cover.
I could've gone through life without that image in my head.
: ”....Fine, I’ll take the job.”
And thus we got the keys to our next destination: the sewers. I’m sure Jerry will need that imaginary laundry bill once we’re done down there.
: “Those monsters don’t stand a chance against you! Make sure you finish before election season- ...I mean, wouldn’t it look great having a candidate back you up?” Politicians!
: “Please keep this in mind while you enjoy our show.”Heading outside…
Radiation's Halloween Hack OST - Twoson Love Theme
It’s pretty obvious that it’s autumn. I...don’t have anything else to say here.
Or Spring if you’re in the Southern hemisphere.
Well, it looks like the sewers are here. However, we actually want to grind to level 5-6 and purchase some food/equipment before heading down there. If we don’t, Jerry will probably be horribly mauled and gang-banged by some hippie cult.
If I may quote you from earlier, I didn’t need that image in my head.
It seems that we didn’t need the key after all, as it’s already unlocked. But let’s not go down there yet.
Instead, let’s talk to the NPCs.
: “...woof? Okay, screw it! I’m not talking to non-psychics.”
: “I must stand next to signs or I will kill someone.”I have those days every so often. It's kind of liberating to act as crazy as you want.
This guy sells some food, but in all honesty, most of the stuff here isn’t worth your time. Halloween cookie heals around 6 HP, and the garlic bagel heals for around 30. You can get Hamburgers for $14 at the department store, but they only heal 50 HP.
Thus, Pumpkin loaf is the best choice, healing a whopping 80 HP when eaten.
So if Jerry buys 3 Pumpkin Loaves and 2 Garlic Bagels, how much money has he spent?
: You could say I “rule” the school! Except that would probably get me punched in the face, wouldn’t it.Yes, and rightfully fuckin’ so. Nerd.
I take offense at that.
: “Most definitely. Kids these days and their preferences to violence…”
Oh no... do we have to beat up one of the Sanchez Brothers instead of Everdred?
His source of power is the sombrero.
Apparently not.
MI CHIHUAHUA ES MUERTE AY YI YI TACO BONANZA MUCHO!!!!!!!!
Anyways, let’s get some background info.
No...not you…
Hey, it’s Tangerine Child.
Earthbound OST - Apple Kid’s Theme
Hey, it’s Cherry Lad.
Here we are. Unlike Orange Kid or any of the other residents of Twoson, Apple Kid actually has something to say in regards to the hack’s background info.
That trash can only has a pile of feces, by the way.
Delicious.
: “I wasn’t looking for any, but whatever. What do you have for me, random guy whose house I just broke into?”
: “All I have is this really bad gut feeling, and it’s not from anything I’ve eaten. After me and Dr. Andonuts invented the Phase Distorter and the kids went back in time to…...sacrifice themselves against Giygas...I got this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.”Y’know, some of us haven’t finished the base game...
: “Yeah...indigestion can do that. Don’t worry man, I feel you.”: “Of course not that I just feel guilty sending them back in time...Statistically, it was the right thing for us to do, but...I haven’t seen the doctor ever since we got the bad news. Where could he be?So there you have it. In this timeline, the Chosen Four sacrificed themselves to defeat Giygas. It’s understandable that they didn’t think of praying. I mean, who honestly tries to kill an evil abomination by praying?
Oh, this is fanon. Never mind. Carry on.
: “You can just call me King Manlypants III until then.”
Anyways, let’s see how
They all dead. Probably. If not, I’ll make them such.
Easy there, Han Solo. Let's not go all sociopathic on us, all right?
Earthbound OST -
: “I wish she could come back and play with all of us again.”
Hello, little girl, you can play with ME now.
Now you’re just being creepy.
...And here’s
: “I’m Mom’s mother. I’m busy taking care of these kids.“...Or not. Forget what I just said!
: "...Aren’t you concerned for her? You know...with her death and everything.": “...huh? No, I’m not worried...she’s our guardian angel, watching over us."
That’s…pretty sad. No parent should have to see their child die during their lifetime. Then again, I’m pretty sure every parent wants their child to save the world at least once, so it all balances out in the end.liek dis lp if u cri everytime
Anyways, let’s see how Mom’s dad is faring.
Hopefully, it won’t be anything like this.
He’s blue dabba-dee-da.
: “She and her friends, brave fools that they were, went back in time to combat the ultimate evil, Giygas...Needless to say, they never returned. Everyone else has moved on, and I’m trying my best, but sometimes I still find myself in tears at the sacrifice we made…Never again will we share another piece of apple pie…Never again will I see her smiling with that kid at her arm and tell him to sleep on the couch...”Well, now you can have the WHOLE apple pie! See, your kid dying isn’t THAT bad!
: “Giygas can’t resist my baking prowess!...but...I know only she could defeat him. It was for the best…”: <Awkward pat on the shoulder.>: “...oh, my! What am I doing, pouring my heart out to a complete stranger!? P-please leave at once!”
: “Fine...after one last thing…”
And so Jerry Toraernos ruined the moment by stealing a dead girl’s Teddy Bear. Excellent role-model, folks.
Hey, she’s dead. She won’t care.
On the way back, we encounter an enemy.
Right on, man. Down with the pigs! *Smokes gary jane*
But before that…
It’s time to shank some bitches.
Earthbound OST - Frank's Theme
Despite the fact that it’s a recolor of a boss from Earthbound, this guy’s a pushover. The Frankensteam is not worth talking about, in any way, shape or form.
Combat works the same way it does in Earthbound. The only thing that's somewhat different is the names of PSI abilities and stuff.
Unfortunately, I forgot that this guy’s only a pushover at level 5. Whoops.
Good job. We’re not even two parts in and you’ve already died to a terrible pun.
Anyways, let’s try again with a much weaker opponent.
I kinda feel bad for kicking a sugar-high kid into the next day, but ends must meet.
Jerry Toraernos: Mugger of Children everywhere. Ph. D in the science of being an asshole.
And chocoholic.
Level up!
After a bit of exploration...
Someone left their Subway here. Oh well, finders keepers!
Still makes more sense than finding meat in the walls. *coughcastlevaniacough*
So after several muggings of children, trashed machines, depressurized puppets, and others, Jerry is now at…
Level 5. I suppose it’s a good time to tackle the sewers now.
Say hi to the TMNT for me.